Here's my next post. this will be a long post so brace yourself lol
My Story
I was never really overweight my whole life as a kid I was quite skinny however when I hit puberty I started to gain a little bit of weight. I wasn't overweight in my early to mid teens but at 13 years old I was just a little bit chubby and a little bit skinny but I was not fat, yet back in those days I thought I was fat. I would also have friends tell me that I was fat and looking back I never understood why they thought that. I mean no I was not skinny but I was not fat either! As you can tell I dealt with peer pressure as well just from being told that. But sadly even before I was told that I thought I was too. So my self-esteem was very low like I hated what I saw. I became very self conscious about my body especially my tummy. I would also always feel uncomfortable around my classmates whenever we had swimming lessons/pool parties because everyone was slim and looked good in there swim suits and I can just remember feeling like such an oddball, it just felt like I didn't fit in and I felt really disconnected. I would tell some other girls in my class this but they told me that I was not fat yet the friends that I hung out with told me I was. I also remember one swimming lesson I had, my crush was there and I felt so embarrassed wearing my swim suit because of my chubby thighs, like I just didn't want him to see me. My teenage years were very tough on me I just grew up feeling very unattractive. I never had an eating disorder like anorexia bulimia or anything but there was this one time where my friend was really getting at me telling me "Alice you ARE fat" even her dad was horrid telling me the same thing one time at lunch I had pizza and she was all "You're eating pizza!" I remember getting really furious at her. Every time she told me I was fat I would just lose my temper and I would just get so upset. Like one time I had pizza with a lemon Pepsi and one guy in my class asked me if he could have the Pepsi and I just sadly said yeah take it so I figured "Why should I care you know I'm so fat I can't have it". I was also told by my tennis teacher that I was fat. I do however forgive my friends as this was such a long time ago so please don't write any ill comments about them what they did was wrong but I am still in contact with them plus this was a long time ago. So anyway I would go on this crash diet where I would only eat a really small salad a day and I would skip so many meals to a point where I felt really ill like I lost my energy and got really bad headaches. At that point my mum got really concerned and told me to eat properly again, so I went back to eating normally again. I would eat normally again however the constant insecurities that I had never ended, they kept on going to a point where I just became this shy, aloof, insecure person even to this day.
As you can see this is what I looked like back then, I was about 13 years old in these photos and at this age I was told I was fat by friends and other people.
As life went on I became a vegetarian a few days before I turned 14(It was not for weight loss purposes I just got emotionally put off meat) and I moved countries that school I went was in Bali and my dad got a new job and me and my family moved to Malaysia so I changed schools. At 16 I began to obsess again about dieting so I would go on this detox diet where I would only have liquids as in fruit smoothies for a week, I lost weight but when I got back to eating I just regained it. I also tried this tea that was designed for weight loss and it had a laxative in it and it just made things uncomfortable having to use the bathroom all the time, therefore it didn't work. I did exercise and stuff so that kept me from becoming overweight at that time. A year or two later when I was 17 we were preparing to move to Australia and I stopped worrying about what I ate for a bit. Once I moved to Sydney I started to binge on chocolate which was my biggest weakness. In Australia chocolate is everywhere in the supermarkets! I kept eating a lot of it. every time we went grocery shopping I would always go to the confectionery aisle and just grab a chocolate bar be it a Cadbury or lindt or something else. In my last three years of high school I became very overweight. There was a newsagents near my high school where I would go sometimes to buy candy or chocolate. there was also a coles nearby and I would go and buy a bag of Dove chocolate or those mars bar pods. I also remember before or after piano lessons I would roam around in the Westfeild mall and there used be this confectionery stall(its not there anymore) that sold Hershey chocolate and other brands from different countries mainly candy from the UK and America. So I would go there and buy a Reeses Peanut Butter cup of which I found so Scrumptious seriously guys peanut butter and chocolate are best friends! I would also buy Hershey Chocolate blocks or kisses. Gosh I was such a chocoholic it was CRAZY! It was not only the chocolate though there were other food criminals such as potato chips, cookies, ice cream, veggie burgers from fast food chains and food any other food that was easy to get addicted to. I ate and ate and ate that food eating way too many calories. I gained some weight before I moved to Sydney I was around 60 something kgs then after I moved to Sydney I checked my weight I was 78kgs and I was very distraught but continued my horrible eating and soon I began to weigh 86kg. After I saw that hit the 80s on the scale I tried to lose the weight but I kept going on and off trying to lose it. One time I was successfull I went from 86 to 79, I didn't go on a crash diet, I did a proper diet and I would use the Nintendo wii fitness games as part of exercise but sadly I didn't stick to it because of the Easter Holidays. I would try and eat healthy but then when Christmas or Easter would come by I'd end up abandoning my plans as I would always make an excuse.
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| Me at 18 |
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| My 18th Birthday |
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| My holiday in LA posing at my beloved Idol's star . I miss MJ so much! RIP <3 |
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| me at 18 again |
Basically I became overweight in my late teens and I stayed overweight in my early 20s. I kept on going on and off trying to lose weight like one month I'd be all "I need to start losing weight!" the next month "uh.. I'll enjoy this now and worry about it next week" that pattern would just continue as I became more miserable. I kept going down the deep end. I remember when I first saw my year 10 formal pictures I was very upset I could not believe how big I became I would think horrible things like "Why do I look so fat!", "I look like an ogre!" "I look like a hippo wearing red dress!" etc the same issue with looking at other photos. My self-esteem just shot down and my mind was just full of constant negativity. There were also a lot of things that made things worse for me I remember there was this one time I think it was a year ago like last year or something, I just got back from my job agency appointment and went to the art supply store I don't remember whether it was after I left the store or before I went in I think it was after so anyway this lady came up to me she was doing this survey she was not trying to be rude, she just came up to me and said "hi I'm doing a survey just asking do you plan on losing any weight?" My heart just sank and I just said "oh I have to go" and she said "ok" and just left. But boy that really made me feel even worse I just felt like crap after that incident like I could not believe that such a thing happened at that point it became really official to me that I truly was fat. People thought I was okay I carried my self out calmly like nothing was wrong but deep inside I was very emotionally distraught. I was very good at hiding my feelings now I'd be happy but at times I 'd go in my room and just cry I had many moments where I would just brake down but at home no one would notice. But this is something I would always do if something upset me I'd just go in my room and just cry because I hate to cry in front of people as it find very embarrassing I just kept things hidden because sometimes people tell you things that you don't like or say things that make you feel worse. At times I'd go shopping for clothes I would go to Target and in Target they have these mirrors that surround the changing rooms where you can see your whole figure. I would go in and have such a shock. As I finished I would just leave on the verge of tears. It was not only moments like that though I remember going to target with a close high school friend of mine as we sometimes meet in the mall and check out stores I went to this store with her and she would be the only one finding stuff and I would just stand around look at the clothes, at one point I spotted this pretty looking leopard print top and I said "If I were pretty I would wear this" and she said "But you are pretty you just don't have a normal figure" I would disagree later on telling her " I'm fat, I hate the way I look, I'm not sexy because I am just too fat" and she said "You don't have to be thin to look sexy" and I just continuously said "Oh I don't care what people tell me, they may say, oh you look fine, you look pretty. It just doesn't work, I really don't care" My friend didn't know what else to say but she wasn't keen on how I felt about myself heck a lot people who care about me didn't feel keen on how I felt about myself. I hated shopping for clothes I would always feel very uncomfortable walking into a cute clothing store seeing all those super small dresses, tops, skirts etc. my worst experience was when I went shopping for my Yr 10 formal dress and I went to this store, looked and would ask the sales people if they had anything in a size 16 and they said "No, sorry we only sell sizes 6 to 14" That was horrible.
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| Me looking kind of bored |
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| My year 12 formal dress which is now too big for me. |
Yeah I know it sounds like a very boring depressing story. And I know I'm sounding like a very melancholy person well I am melancholy I'll admit just kidding!Thankfully though life did not continue that way back in 2012 late of August last year I had my breakthrough but it was a very painful start but I am thankful to god that I managed to pull through beware though as I am going to mention more depressing stuff but it gets better.
How it all started
I would start out how I normally would but at times cheat. One time I caught the flu and I went to the doctor to get checked and get antibiotics. My doctor asked how I was doing and stuff and I was all "Yeah I'm fine, I'm trying to lose weight...." his reply: "Oh Alice that's going to be very hard , your mother's genes, you'll have to go to the gym, or get a physical job. its very hard with all this technology sitting at computers... " and he rambled on and pretty much gave the same advice anyone would give. What really bothered and upset me though was the part about the "Genes" I got really emotionally drained after that appointment. So I just went home and acted like nothing happened but I was really dying inside. I felt really depressed at what I was told. I personally don't like when people tell me oh its just your genes. It makes me feel 10 times worse when I get told these things. Because that is NOT advice I just see that as negative fuel based on the research I have done Genes only play a minor role when it comes to weight loss there are many reasons why people are overweight or obese but this will be a topic I'll be going on about in another entry. Anyway I just sulked after that. I felt really down so the next day after I came back from TAFE I checked my weight and my weight was 89kg I went crazy and my mind immediately got filled with self-destructive thoughts NOT suicidal thoughts I was never really suicidal thank god! but I just went crazy drowning myself in negativity and acting crazy like giving the scale the middle finger(yeah I know get pretty isane sometimes your're allowed to laugh at me!), after I checked my weight I took the dog for his daily walk and my negative thoughts just swarmed my mind. "your're pathetic why can't you just stick to your plans" "You just can't stop can you eating that s****t coloured stuff we call chocolate" then I would do crazy things like pinch myself several times and I'd think thoughts like this: "I don't deserve good tasting food, I was not made to eat these tasty meals" "I'm not blessed with anything" "I'm such a loser" "I can never do anything right" "I'm not worthy of anything at all". Even though I had a negative mindset I managed to start successfully and my self destructive thoughts slowly vanished as I got into my journey. I really don't recommend anyone to have this mindset though, it is not a good start. If You fill your mind with positive things then things will go to plan, never tell yourself that you are not worthy of anything or don't deserve good tasting food because that is just not true at all. I just pretty much needed to calm down, I thankfully don't have that form of negative thinking anymore as today I have a positive mind set and that has kept me going and prevented me from gaining weight as well as well as also helping to lose it. At that time I was just going through a phase like anyone would about any not so good day. Things just got better and I moved on. I started to eat healthy avoiding chocolate for a while like I even avoided it during Christmas and just ate small bits of the other unhealthy food like refined white bread, I didn't count my calories but I just ate a lot of healthy food, such as vegetable dishes/salads, oatmeal, weetbix, tofu, legumes, nuts etc. Slowly the weight began to fall off as I continued. My clothes began to loosen, I began loosing inches around my waist. I went from 89kgs till the beginning of last month 69kgs which was a whopping 19kgs lost. I haven't checked my recent weight as I weigh myself once monthly. So anyway I would eat healthy then I found out about this website from my brother called FitnessPal which is a website where you log in what you ate and it show how much calories you consumed in a day. I lost my last 5kgs after using it. The thing I really like about is that you can count how many calories is in your favorite piece of junk food and how much you can have of it in a day. I found this website useful during the Easter holidays this year when I was given this big chocolate Cadbury's 100g egg and this 400g aldi chocolate rabbit. I asked my mum not to buy me chocolate for Easter but I got some anyway and at first I decided I don't want to eat it but got thinking and decided that since I have this website that has helped me eat pizza sparingly I should eat it sparingly too so I did that and it worked! Because I still lost one more inch off my waist and my old clothes I had from my mid teens years fit me again! Eating sparingly and counting calories really helped and to think of all these years making excuses, the culprit really was having too much, I always thought that you eat this you get fat. You CAN enjoy a bad meal once in a while. I knew that before but it didn't stick with me because I figured "Oh if I do it that way it won't work because I will just splurge and go back to my old ways" But I proved my self wrong that I can have things moderately by using this website. It has really helped me not only count calories but helped me to enjoy a piece of chocolate once in a while, it kept me grounded too. However I still personally think it is important to eat healthy and not eat too much chocolate everyday as well as other not so healthy food.
I went from an Australian size 18 to a size 14 as you can see below.
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| At a family outing |
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| My 21st birthday |
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| My 23rd Birthday note: I am wearing the same cardigan that I wore in the first photo above |
Well that is pretty much my story and how it started which is bringing me close to the end of this entry finally! But before I sign I off I just want to share something with those who are on a weight loss journey. Never give up! Losing weight may not be easy but it is NEVER impossible. Don't fill your mind with negativity. But most importantly don't make excuses! because if you do so you will not lose weight. The main key to weight loss is to keep a positive mind! So many people go through life thinking "Oh I was not blessed with good genes" or "I'm destined to be this way" or " I can't give up my splurging!" If these are the type of thoughts you are having then please STOP! I'm asking you the reader to turn that little voice in your head off . If you really think you are destined to be this way, then you ARE destined to be that way think about it, that is just gonna lead you to nothing. YOU WILL FAIL if you think this way. By not being blessed with genes as in a fast metabolism where you can eat as much as you want well guess what, I was not blessed either but did I let that stop me? NO I didn't allow it. You NEED to take your initiative and stop blaming your genes. Because my friend, they are not the main reason why you may be overweight the main thing is whats in your head. The constant "I can't do this" issue is what is keeping you from reaching your goals. Please remember though it is not just like this with weight loss its like this with everything you want to achieve in life. As not everything that looks impossible is impossible and weight loss is one of those things along with other things like learning how to drive for the first time or learning how to snowboard.
I hope this has been inspirational to you all. Keep your head up and never give up on your dreams!
Love
Alice
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